Friday, December 16, 2011

I'm in a mood this morning, and it's time for a rant.  This one is about GOD.  I'm tired of people choking their god down my throat!  I don't care what they believe or don't believe in, they're WELcome to their beliefs, just stop trying to make ME believe that way.  And don't bloody asSUME I believe in god, either!  I tell ya, I've started to feel really bullied by all these Christians walking around, spewing evangelism.  Reminds me of the early 70s, when what we then called "Jesus Freaks" would prowl the streets, accosting people with "Have you been saved?" or "Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour?"  Nothing drives me faster or further from religion than that kind of behaviour. 

No other religion prosthletyzes the way Christian's do.  Oh sure, there are Muslim extremists who have made themselves noticed in a big way the past ten-plus years, and wack-job extreme extremists (I'm thinking of the followers of Aum Shinrinko who released the Sarin gas in the Tokyo subway back in 1995), but they're not the norm.  Most people, including a lot of Christians, follow their beliefs without talking about them.  Unfortunately, it has become some badge of pride to declare one's belief in God, and worse for those of us who don't want to hear it, in Jesus Christ. 

Just last weekend, I watched a report on one of the Big Three Network Newscasts about the Quarterback for the Denver Broncos, Tim Tebow.  His religious beliefs are being given credit by a LOT of Christians for his winning streak.  "Prayer WORKS!" one of them declared in his best "Thank you JEsus" voice.  "God loves the Broncos," said another with absolute sincerity.  What, so god DOESN'T love all those other teams?  Come ON.

And if prayer to that invisible white guy in the clouds (don't even get me started on THAT imagery) works so well, why are so many children hungry and/or in terrible pain?  And if prayer works to cause the Broncos to win, why on EARTH aren't you praying for more important matters?  Drives me NUTS.
George Carlin, whose voice I miss more and more as the days go by in these Mad Times, spoke for me in HIS beautiful, perfect, spot-on rant about religion and God when he said:

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Okay. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cock-sucker out with one visit.
I noticed that of all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers that I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50 percent rate. Half the time I get what I want. Half the time I don't. Same as God 50-50. Same as the four leaf clover, the horse shoe, the rabbit's foot, and the wishing well. Same as the mojo man. Same as the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same; 50-50. So just pick your superstitions, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself.
     And for those of you that look to the Bible for it's literary qualities and moral lessons; I got a couple other stories I might like to recommend for you. You might enjoy The Three Little Pigs. That's a good one. It has a nice happy ending. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood. Although it does have that one X-rated part where the Big Bad Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I liked best: "and all the king's horses, and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again." That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no God. None. Not one. Never was. No God.

I realise that few people reading this share my (dis)belief, and I have zero problem with that.  What I have a problem with is YOU being unhappy about MY beliefs, and constantly trying to change them.  Pray all you want.  Pray for me - maybe it'll make a difference somehow.  But don't go on and on and on about how glorious is your "Blessed Saviour, Jesus Christ."  I'm glad you've found the key to coping with this unjust and erratic existence, really I am.  Just keep that to yourself, okay?


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