I know I should have a purpose...no, make that A Purpose. Everyone tells me I need one in order to be happy, and I don't really doubt that they're correct. But I just don't care. I know I should, but I don't. Oh, I get small spikes of purpose-driven living. Clean this, feed that, get something done in one mental space or another. But really? I don't care overmuch about almost anything. I wonder if I would care more if there was no roof over my head or food for my cats,,,probably so. And I DO hope that question is never tested. But I don't really care about ME. I even feel guilty SAYING that, cause it feels as though I shouldn't care about me, that it's not allowed, that I'm not worthy.
Jen keeps asking me if I "feel worthy," and I've decided it's a good question to ask. I feel I deserve some good coming my way, love, laughter, light, but I'm not really sure I believe I'm WORTHY of any of that.
Which, of course, brings us right back to self-worth. Of which I have almost zip, it turns out. So how do I regain or rebuild or just gain/build for the first time Self-Worth?
I've read many a tome on the subject of building self-esteem, but to be perfectly honest, I've gotten VERY little from any of the pundits and their books and talks and workshops, etc. Probably the single best workshop, in terms of long-lasting usefulness, was with Hale Dwoskin, teaching The Sedona Method. The Sedona Method is an interesting amalgam of techniques and approaches, most of which can be found in the world's religions as well as all the self and corporate help work that's around. It works by simply asking a series of questions that are geared toward achieving the mindfulness necessary to alter one's intent. I've tried a number of different approaches to feeling better, taken a number of workshops and read dozens of books that promised change, but The Sedona Method was the only thing I've found that worked and continues to work over time.
Hale Dwoskin leads an exercise in letting go
So there you have my suggestion for one way to be pro-active in making your life a bit better, day by day. Has it worked for me? Yes, but only when I actually make a point of practicing the technique, every day. Unfortunately, that is NOT the case, so I continue to lurch from wrecked moment to miserable minute.
See, there's this wicked cycle. I'm depressed, so I don't work at that which might actually make me feel better. Know this; chronic depression is exhausting. I'm tired fairly constantly, and being tired, actively DOING something - even going outside to sit in the sun, as a simple example - is just too much for me to manage, most of the time.
Earlier this week, I reached a point of emptiness, and I decided it was time to die. Now before you freak, understand that even the act of suicide is more than I can manage at the moment. I also truly understand that what I REALLY want is to feel better, not die, so I continue to put one foot in front of the other, day after day.
Will things get better? Sure. Temporarily, at least. But given a bit of time, I'll find myself right back here at the end point again.
I wonder if the cycle gets shorter over time?