Sunday, September 22, 2013

Friendship

Isn't friendship an odd thing?  I'm not very good at it, all in all.  Or maybe, as a former boyfriend repeatedly insisted, I just have to find the right person to be friends with.  Beats me.  I know that I'm not an easy person to spend a lot of time with.  Am I a narcissist? As the daughter of a Pathological Narcissist, I am a reluctant expert on the subject, and though I exhibit some narcissistic traits (so does everyone, btw, even the Dalai Lama and the Pope), I am not a Narcissist.  Certainly I have a super-ego that frequently demands its self-centered desires be fulfilled, but unlike my unfortunate mother, my ego is healthy and ultimately in control of the situation.  So when my super-ego is being a super-brat, my ego steps in and negotiates away the threatened tantrum.  Still, my super-ego is strong, and it often insists on FAR too much attention, exhausting not just my id and ego, and the id, ego, and super-egos of those around me, too.  You thought I didn't know that, huh?  Nope, I'm fully and painfully aware of how needy a part of me is.  Sux, but there it is.  All this adds up to a person who is sub-optimal friendship fodder.  And that makes me feel sad a lot of the time.

I've been moving fairly constantly since before I was born, and that takes a toll.  I envy those people who've lived in one place all their lives, who know everyone in town and are a vital part of their community.

So how do I go about building a space for myself in the Community when what I'm really good at is quietly pottering about in my own solitary space?  How can I make friends when making friends isn't something at which I'm particularly adept?  How can I be connected when withdrawal is my comfort zone?  Once again, I have to extrude extroverted behaviour from this introverted shell.



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